I’m not sure where to start, except that I haven’t really been feeling myself lately. I’m not quite sure what prompted it or if it was always playing in the background but somewhere along the way of this past year, I got really caught up in all my shortcomings.
To tell the truth, it’s pretty typical of me to go through “spurts” of what I often call “lacking motivation” or more generally, just burn out. But this time, for the first time, it’s different than that.
The more I think about it, I’ve come to realize that I really like rules. I’m good at them. They please me. And following them has always served me well. I have good credit. I’m always early. I spring clean and write thank you notes. Following rules got me through high school, into college, and after graduation, it paid off with a great job.
However, as I’m coming to find out, rules only get you so far. There is a finite level of satisfaction that can be obtained through rules. Up until this point in my life, there were very clear guidelines for success, and like many people, success brought me happiness.
I guess what I’m trying to say (and please excuse me for any cliches to come) is that now that I’m out of school and there’s no road map or advisor saying “do these exact things and you will be fulfilled,” that I haven’t figured out what it is that fulfills me.
This lack of internal guidance has often times left me scrolling through social media, looking at other people’s “best versions” of their lives and thinking about all the ways my own life is unsatisfactory.
I know that no one brags about boring or unhappy things online. Even still, scrolling through Instagram can stir up some serious FOMO and other generally not-great emotions. (Not to mention the usual malaise from being bombarded with information 24/7) I was feeling these things pretty regularly.
So I decided to sign out of my personal social media accounts and take a minute to detox these negative thoughts. I wanted really dwell on the idea of cultivating wellness and actively work to make my life and mind a positive place.
So far, it feels good. It’s refreshing in a way that I haven’t felt for a long time. I don’t think that I’ve quit the internet for good–it’s very often a source of inspiration– but this break from social media has in some ways, taken away a level of distraction and allowed me the space to figure out what’s important to me. As I’m finding, it’s definitely not keeping tabs on what everyone else is doing.